Kelly's Almost Christmas Special
by Kelaiah
Summary: A throroughly silly fanfic set to a beloved holiday song.


**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing except what I own. ;)

* * *

All was calm on the grounds of Redwall Abbey.

But since this is fanfiction, it can be expected that the calm wouldn't last for long.

Especially when a certain fox alter-ego by name of Kelaiah (better known as Fox-Kel, or Kelly) arrived on the scene.

"Hello all, and welcome to Kelly's Almost-Christmas Special. I say 'almost' because they don't really celebrate Christmas around here in Mossflower... hmph, I actually like the winter seasons in Mossflower better because of that, because the 'Christmas Spirit' lasts all through winter in Mossflower, whereas it only lasts through December in the real world... but enough of that. Let us begin! Ahem...

_"On the first day of Nameday,_

_"My true love gave to me_

_"A warlord in a high tree."_

Suddenly a very tall tree appeared right in the middle of the grounds, in which a certain Cluny the Scourge was perched, looking very nervous about being up in a tree after nearly falling to his death in the last one.

_"On the second day of Nameday,_

_"My true love gave to me_

_"Two abbeymice..."_

Matthias and Abbot Mortimer came walking out of the abbey, looking surprised by the sudden appearance of a singing fox standing next to a tree that hadn't been there before.

_"And a warlord in a high tree."_

Cluny looked even more nervous at the sight of Matthias, who thankfully hadn't noticed him.

_"On the third day of Nameday,_

_"My true love gave to me_

_"Three swords of Martin..."_

Three swords of Martin came hurtling from the sky and buried their bladetips into the ground.

"I thought there was only _one_ Martin's sword!" objected Matthias, running over to the three blades and picking one up.

_"Two abbeymice..."_

Mariel and Dandin came walking out of the abbey, and immediately picked up the other two blades.

_"And a warlord in a high tree."_

Cluny now looked borderline terrified now that there were _three_ of those dreaded swords being wielded by rat-hating mice!

_"On the fourth day of Nameday,_

_"My true love gave to me_

_"Four dancing squirrels..."_

Celandine, Craklyn, Felldoh and Samkim came dancing out of the abbey, only Felldoh and Samkim were terrible at it.

_"Three swords of Martin..."_

"AUGH!" shouted Felldoh and Samkim as they just barely got out of the way of the next set of falling blades. They then eagerly retrieved the swords.

_"Two abbeymice..."_

Columbine and Abbess Germaine came out of the abbey, looking startled by the screams.

_"And a warlord in a high tree."_

Cluny whimpered.

_"On the fifth day of Nameday,_

_"My true love gave to me_

_"Five Redwall feasts..."_

Five very long, large tables laden with all of the Redwall delicacies came hurtling from the sky and landed with a startling thump on the ground.

"FIVE Redwall feasts?!" cried Matthias. "We'll NEVER finish five Redwall feasts!"

_"Four dancing squirrels..."_

Dannflor, Song, Armel, and Tam came dancing out, though Dann and Tam stopped to retrieve their Martin-sword - except there was only one left so they ended up fighting each other.

_"Three swords of Martin..."_

More of the said objects came down, and Dann and Tam, who were just barely able not to get their tails cut off, left off fighting and gained their own sword.

_"Two abbeymice..."_

Mattimeo and Tess came out of the abbey; Matti ran over and picked up one of the swords.

_"And a warlord in a high tree."_

Cluny gulped.

_"On the sixth day of Nameday,_

_"My true love gave to me_

_"Six Pearls of Lutra..."_

The scallop shell containing the pearls fell from the sky... and landed in the paws of Ublaz Mad-Eyes.

"The PEARLS! They're MINE! Heeheeheehahahaha!"

_"Five Redwall feasts..."_

One of the food-covered tables landed on the cackling pine marten.

"Oooowwww...."

_"Four dancing squirrels..."_

Jess, Sam, Elmtail, and Ranguvar came dancing out, but none of them were very good at it, despite being very fine treewhifflers.

_"Three swords of Martin..."_

"Alright! I get my own sword!" cried Sam, but was held back by Jess.

"Now now, son, you're too young to be playing with swords."

"Ah, mom!"

"Don't argue with me, young squirrel. You're grounded."

_"Two abbeymice..."_

Cornflower and Friar Hugo came out, and looked indignant at the sight of ten tables of food.

"Well! What's the point of having us slave away in the kitchen if you're already well-stocked out here?!"

_"And a warlord in a high tree."_

Cluny sighed and shook his head.

_"On the seventh day of Nameday,_

_"My true love gave to me_

_"Seven otters swimming..."_

In the abbey pond, seven otters all fell from the sky and into the pond with a great splash.

_"Six Pearls of Lutra..."_

Ublaz Mad-Eyes came crawling out from underneath the table that had fallen on him, one paw rubbing his head while the other held onto the Pearls.

Grath Longfletch, who had been one of the otters that fell into the pond, looked up and saw him.

"HEY! My father's pearls!" She leapt out of the water and zoomed towards the pine marten.

"AUGH! NO! They're MINE!" Ublaz screeched, running in the opposite direction.

_"Five Redwall feasts..."_

Ublaz was hit again by another falling table, this time along with Grath.

"Oooowwww..."

_"Four dancing squirrels..."_

Treerose, Oak Tom, Rufe Brush and Lady Amber came dancing out, and doing a very bad job.

_"Three swords of Martin..."_

Tom, Rufe and Amber eagerly grabbed the weapons.

_"Two abbeymice..."_

Piknim (who was imbraced by Craklyn) and Martin the Second came out, looking quite shocked.

_"And a warlord in a high tree."_

"Meep," said Cluny, clinging to the bough he was perched on.

_"On the eighth day of Nameday,_

_"My true love gave to me_

_"Eight moles a-digging..."_

Eight dirt-covered heads popped out of the ground, all of them, obviously, moles.

"Hurr hurr, boi okey, hurr hurr! Burr Arr!"

(Translation: "The author of this story is really bad at doing mole accents! Burr arr!")

_"Seven otters swimming..."_

Seven more otters came falling from the sky into the pond, some landing on the otters already in it, while others made some specatcular belly flops.

_"Six Pearls of Lutra..."_

Ublaz crawled out from under the table, grappling with Grath over the scallop shell.

"Those pearls belong to my father so give 'em here, vermin!"

"NO! They're MINE! MINE, D'Y'HERE?! _MINE!"_

_"Five Redwall feasts..."_

The abbeybeasts began to scream and run for cover as more tables came down from the sky; one fell on Ublaz and Grath again.

_"Four dancing squirrels..."_

Barkjon, Jangular, Rusvul and Rimrose came dancing out, all doing a very bad job.

_"Three swords of Martin..."_

"ARRRGGG!" More creatures went scattering as three more of the sharp pointy objects flew down.

_"Two abbeymice..."_

Sister Sage and Brother Hubert came out, holding each other as they gazed around in shock.

_"And a warlord in a high tree."_

Cluny groaned.

_"On the ninth day of Nameday,_

_"My true love gave to me_

_"Nine hedgehogs wrestling..."_

Quite a comotion was stirred when nine hedehogs spinetussling each other while standing stilts came waddling in from out of nowhere. However, the ninth hedgehog had nobeast to wrestle with, so he just stood around looking blankly at everything.

_"Eight moles a-digging..."_

"Hurr hurr! We'm bee a-diggen', just loike ee dwarves do, hurr hurr hurr!"

_"Seven otters swimming..."_

More otters piled into the lake.

"OW! Watch where you're flingin' that rudder, messmate!"

"Sorry there."

_"Six Pearls of Lutra..."_

"They are MINE!" shouted Ublaz Mad-Eyes, yanking the scallop shell out of Grath's paws and running away.

_"Five Redwall feasts..."_

Another one of the five tables fell on Ublaz.

"Oooowwww..."

"Hah!" said Grath, hurrying over to retrieve the pearls, except Lutra, who had been one of the seven otters, called out to his daughter.

"Grath! Leave the pearls be! We don't need them anymore!"

The otter stopped and stared when she realized her entire family was there. With a screech of joy she hurtled herself back into the water.

_"Four dancing squirrels..."_

Triss, Drufo, Fwirl, and Broggle came dancing out, though Fwirl and Triss seemed to be the ones with the talent.

_"Three swords of Martin..."_

"I thought there was only ONE Martin-Sword!" objected Triss, retrieving one.

"Apparently not," said Matti, gesturing at all the other Martin-Swords being swung about by their owners.

_"Two abbeymice..."_

Sister May and Abbot Mordalfus came out and gawked like the rest.

_"And a warlord in a high tree."_

"Oh, how many of these do we have to go through?" whined Cluny.

_"On the tenth day of Nameday,_

_"My true love gave to me_

_"Ten shrews a-arguin'..."_

Ten spiky-furred shrews then came out, all shouting and arguing with one another until they were all brawling in a cloud of dust.

_"Nine hedgehogs wrestling..."_

Nine more hedgehogs came out wrestling each other, save for the nineth (or eighteenth). But the lone hedgehog from the first set immediately came over and the two started their own match.

_"Eight moles a-digging..."_

Several random creatures began to fall into the holes that were numerously appearing all around the grounds.

"AUGH!"

_"Seven otters swimming..."_

"Sure is getting cramped in here," groaned Deyna Taggerung, squished between Keyla and Skipper Rorgus.

_"Six Pearls of Lutra..."_

Ublaz was dancing around blissfully, swinging the scallop shell around singing his own song: "Mine O mine O mine O mine O mine..."

_"Five Redwall feasts..."_

Ublaz yelped and dodged a falling table ("YES!") only to be squashed by another one ("Oooowwww...").

Matthias shook his head. "We are going to have a looooot of leftovers."

_"Four dancing squirrels..."_

Friar Butty, Fenna, Sarobando, and Rangval the Rogue came dancing out. Butty was the only one who couldn't.

_"Three swords of Martin..."_

More eager paws seized the copies of the infamous weapon.

_"Two abbeymice..."_

Gonff and his son came out, looking rather taken aback by the scene of chaos on the abbey grounds.

_"And a warlord in a high tree."_

"When is it going to end?!" howled Cluny.

_"On the eleventh day of Nameday,_

_"My true love gave to me_

_"Eleven hares a-leaping..."_

"Wotwot, top hole eh, wotwot!" shouted eleven hares, who indeed came 'a-leaping'. A-leaping straight over to the food-laden tables.

"Alright, tucker, eh wot?"

"Oh good," smiled Matthias. "Now we don't have to worry about all those leftovers."

_"Ten shrews a-arguin'..."_

Ten more of the quarrelsome little beasts came out of nowhere, arguing about one odd thing or another.

_"Nine hedgehogs wrestling..."_

Out came nine more hedgehogs on stilts, with the nineth (or twenty-seventh) left partnerless.

_"Eight moles a-digging..."_

"AUGH!"

"Hurr, you'm 'edgepig, a-fallin' on top o' moi 'ead loike that, burr arr!"

_"Seven otters swimming..."_

"Okay, now its REALLY crowded in here!" complained Thrugg, jostled by Thruggann and Bragoon.

_"Six Pearls of Lutra..."_

"Mine O mine O mine O mine O mine..." sang Ublaz, dancing this way and that - until he tripped and fell into the otter-filled lake.

"MY SILK ROBES! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

_"Five Redwall feasts..."_

"Oh well, at least no tables fell on me."

"Get out of here! You're not an otter!" Deyna shouted at Ublaz, heaving the pine marten high above his head and tossing him out.

_"Four dancing squirrels..."_

"We can't dance," said Fenn Bluepaw, Sumin, Barklad, Rimrose.

_"Three swords of Martin..."_

One of the swords landed in a cake, while another landed in a bread slice, and the third in a casserole.

The hares briefly looked up from their eating.

"Why look! Some nice knives to slice our food! How delightful, wotwot!"

_"Two abbeymice..."_

Abbess Bryony and Friar Bunfold came out, looking, as you guessed it, startled by the goings on outside.

_"And a warlord in a high tree."_

Cluny grumbled.

_"On the twelfth day of Nameday,_

_"My true love gave to me_

_"Twelve badgers roaring..."_

"EEEUUULLLIIILLLIIIAAA!!"

"Okay THAT does it," said Cluny, scurrying down the tree.

_"Eleven hares a-leaping..."_

"I say, you cheeky blighters, save some food for the rest of us latecomers, eh wot?!"

_"Ten shrews a-arguin'..."_

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

_"Nine hedgehogs wrestling..."_

"Would you guys watch where you're wrestling?! Your prickles are really sharp!"

_"Eight moles a-digging..."_

"AUGH!"

"Hurr, all these h'animals bee droppin' on moi 'ead! Burr arr!"

_"Seven otters swimming..."_

"There's gotta be more than forty otters in this pond, some of ye have got to get out!"

"Alright, YOU can get out!"

"No YOU get out!"

"No YOU get out!"

_"Six Pearls of Lutra..."_

Ublaz suddenly appeared standing next to Fox-Kel, proudly wearing his circlet which were finally adorned with the Tears of all the Oceans.

"Very nice," the fox commented, pausing in his singing.

"Thank you," Ublaz said airily, blowing on his claws and buffing them against his new silk robe.

_"Five Redwall feasts..."_

"Oh good! More tuck!" said one of the hares.

_"Four dancing squirrels..."_

It was too crowded by now to see who the newcomers were (but just in case you're all curious, they are Russa, Jukka, Trefoil, and Ruro).

_"Three swords of Martin..."_

"AAAARRRRGGGGG!" screamed one of the squirrels when one of the swords sliced off its tail - however, since this is fanfiction, their tail would grow back - or become replaced. Whichever.

_"Two abbeymice..."_

Martin the Warrior and Rose came out, only they looked rather miffed, and they were not alone.

"KELLY!" shouted Ferret-Kel. "What do you think you're doing?! I thought you said you were going to go sing a little jingle-!"

But the ferret's words were cut off when Fox-Kel held up a paw. The fox had noticed that Cluny was no longer up in the tree.

After looking about, he finally saw the rat: he was slinking his way among the chaos, almost to the gates.

Uprooting the tree (though how he did that is anybeast's guess), Fox-Kel charged after Cluny, who glanced over his shoulder, squeaked, and tried to make a run for it-

-only to be swept back up into the tree, which was then firmly placed back in its original spot.

Fox-Kel took a deep breath, and finished the song:

_"And a warlord in a high tree."_

_

* * *

_

In case any of you are curious about the totals:

1 warlord

22 abbeymice

30 Martin-Swords

36 squirrels

40 Redwall feasts

6 Pearls of Lutra

42 otters

40 moles

36 hedgehogs

30 shrews

22 hares

12 badgers

1 very irate Ferret-Kel

1 rather smug Fox-Kel


End file.
